Almost Halfway There.

It's almost the midway point of twenty thirtian and this is only my third post. That may suggest that this year hasn't gone to plan, so far. Well, yes and no.

I have spent the first few months of the year to ponder. Pondering is important. I needed to try and shake off everything which I felt was a chain or what I needed to do in order to move forward, which included my work. This included writing for the newspaper and magazine. As lucky as I was, in recent months I felt a certain shallowness in it. I find most of the music scene/industry, anywhere in the world, fascinating and inspiring but also full of posers, who unfortunately outnumber those doing something they are passionate about. Although this can be said of any popular industry. I didn't enjoy pulling teeth, trying to get a unique story out of the same mouth every month. Different person, same thing. Perhaps I just wasn't asking the right questions, but I was finding little to ask about.
Early in the year, the magazine underwent some internal restructuring. I didn't need to be told what that would mean for me. I felt an element of relief, I was only freelance anyway, and this was the nature of the business. I would move on, or I would go back to the garage job I had until I discovered the next opportunity.  If there was one.

Instead, I decided to use the past few months as an opportunity, to remember why I enjoy writing in the first place. Not as a career, but as my passion. This is largely what I wanted to achieve this year. I have since spent the past two or so months writing, almost non-stop. Working on my own ideas, something I haven't had a chance to do, or rather allow myself to in a few years. I have saved enough to be able to do this for a few months, which has allowed me some element of being care free, at least with my work. It has allowed time to slow down, read and learn, just get a grip. I have sacrificed some pleasantries and have very little to show. But I am confident that in time, I will have something I am happy with. I just needed this time to write, no matter what it was. I am glad that I decided to do that instead of panicking. That will come later, I am sure.

It hasn't been without its drawbacks though. My writing environment has been difficult to concentrate in, it has been claustrophobic and problematic and thus, I feel the quality of my work has suffered greatly, as has my mental being at times. I also don't have many experiences to borrow from this year, it's rare that I spend more than a day away from my Celtx and word processor software. Being social has started to feel like a chore, and I worry about this. I wonder where the perfect middle ground is and I hope to find that within the second half of the year. That will be even harder than finding the right writing environment.
But I am writing, therefore, I am. To try and sound needlessly profound.

I have realised, again, that this is what I do. This is all I can do. It is what I am. I may not be very good at it, but for the first time in a while, I am relatively happy and content about it. Even if I am failing at every other aspect of life and still feel myself sinking into a slow pit of depression about every other aspect of life.
Therefore, Twenty Thirtian, although by no means perfect, is going better than I expected. But I can't help but feel time closing in on me. Six months have gone by too fast, that care free feeling has already left and I just hope I can make the next six count for something even more.